How to Discover If You’re Truly a Match: Exploring Relationships with the Marcel Proust Questionnaire

How to Discover If You’re Truly a Match: Exploring Relationships with the Marcel Proust Questionnaire

*“You can connect from all kinds of places—energetic harmony, sexual alchemy, intellectual alignment—but they won’t sustain love over a lifetime. You need a thread that goes deeper, that moves below and beyond the shifting sands of compatibility. That thread is a fascination—a genuine fascination with someone’s inner world, with the way they organize reality, with the way they articulate their feelings with the unfathomable and bottomless depths of their being. To hear their soul cry out to you again and again, and to never lose interest in what it is trying to convey. If there is that, then there will still be love when the body sickens, when the sexuality fades, when the perfection projection is long shattered. If there is that, you will swim in love’s waters until the very last breath.”
~ Jeff Brown

When we talk about meaningful, long-lasting connections, Jeff Brown’s quote reminds us that a deep sense of wonder and fascination often surpasses mere surface-level compatibility. Yes, you can have plenty of chemistry—sexual, intellectual, spiritual—but without sustained curiosity and respect for who the other person truly is, relationships may not stand the test of time.

This idea resonates strongly with the famous Marcel Proust Questionnaire—a timeless set of introspective prompts that can reveal someone’s innermost thoughts, values, and priorities. Before diving into how you can adapt these questions to modern dating and meaningful conversation, let’s explore another gem from the world of Proust: a short philosophical piece on intelligence, snobbery, and human nature.

Proust on Intelligence, Snobbery, and Human Nature

*“A man is not more entitled to be ‘received in good society,’ or at least to wish to be, because he is more intelligent and cultivated. This is one of those sophisms that the vanity of intelligent people picks up in the arsenal of their intelligence to justify their basest inclinations. In other words, having become more intelligent creates some rights to be less. Very simply, diverse personalities are to be found in the breast of each of us, and often the life of more than one superior man is nothing but the coexistence of a philosopher and a snob. Actually, there are very few philosophers and artists who are absolutely detached from ambition and respect for power, from ‘people of position.’ And among those who are more delicate or more sated, snobbism replaces ambition and respect for power in the same way superstition arises on the ruins of religious beliefs. Morality gains nothing there. Between a worldly philosopher and a philosopher intimidated by a minister of state, the second is still the more innocent.”
—Notes to Sesame and Lilies by John Ruskin, translated by Proust (1906); from Marcel Proust: On Reading Ruskin, trans. Jean Autret and William Burford (Yale University Press, 1987)

In these lines, Proust highlights the subtle interplay between intelligence, social ambition, and morality. Intelligence alone, he suggests, does not make us inherently superior or more deserving of certain social privileges. Human nature is layered; even the most enlightened individuals can harbor a “snob” somewhere within them. This reflection is a reminder that no matter how cultured or educated we are, humility and a genuine desire to understand others form the bedrock of authentic connection.

Bringing this back to dating (or even friendships and general social life), we find that superficial markers—like intelligence, status, or physical attraction—may pique initial curiosity, but they rarely sustain long-term fascination. True understanding and genuine respect lie beyond social posturing and intellectual vanity.

The Marcel Proust Questionnaire: A Brief History

The Marcel Proust Questionnaire is famously showcased in magazines like Vanity Fair, where celebrities and notable figures answer these questions to reveal glimpses of their inner world. Originally, however, these questions gained popularity in French high society in the late 19th century. Marcel Proust himself, a renowned French novelist, answered a version of them as a parlor game—similar in spirit to our modern “Truth or Dare.”

Over time, the questionnaire has been lauded for its ability to probe core values, desires, and beliefs. These 35 questions cut right to the heart of who a person is beneath their everyday persona.

Why Use the Proust Questionnaire in Dating?

In a world of swipe-left/swipe-right speed dating, it’s all too easy to focus on appearances or superficial traits. While shared hobbies and initial chemistry matter, they often aren’t enough for a lasting bond. If you want to uncover deeper layers—like moral compass, emotional triggers, and true aspirations—Proust’s questions can help you:

1. Spark Intellectually Provocative Conversations

   • Move beyond generic small talk (“Where are you from?” or “What do you do?”) and into territory that reveals someone’s worldview and values.

2. Spot Compatible Life Philosophies

   • Learn if your fundamental outlook on life, happiness, and personal growth aligns—or, at least, if you respect each other’s perspectives.

3. Reveal Core Motivations

   • Find out what drives a person—ambition, love, creativity, peace—and whether you can support those drives.

4. Establish Emotional Connection

   • Deep conversations can foster a sense of trust and vulnerability, helping you bond more quickly on a meaningful level.

35 Questions Every Character (and Potential Partner) Should Answer

You can use all or some of these questions on your next date, in a casual conversation, or even as a fun texting game. Adapt them to your comfort level—you might not want to ask the more intense ones right away, but select a few that resonate with you both.

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
2. What is your greatest fear?
3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
4. What is the trait you most deplore in others?
5. Which living person do you most admire?
6. What is your greatest extravagance?
7. What is your current state of mind?
8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
9. On what occasion do you lie?
10. What do you most dislike about your appearance?
11. Which living person do you most despise?
12. What is the quality you most like in a man?
13. What is the quality you most like in a woman?
14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
15. What or who is the greatest love of your life?
16. When and where were you happiest?
17. Which talent would you most like to have?
18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
19. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
21. Where would you most like to live?
22. What is your most treasured possession?
23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
24. What is your favorite occupation?
25. What is your most marked characteristic?
26. What do you most value in your friends?
27. Who are your favorite writers?
28. Who is your hero of fiction?
29. Which historical figure do you most identify with?
30. Who are your heroes in real life?
31. What are your favorite names?
32. What is it that you most dislike?
33. What is your greatest regret?
34. How would you like to die?
35. What is your motto?

How to Incorporate These Questions on a Date

1. Choose Wisely: Pick a handful of questions based on the vibe of the moment. Maybe start with the lighter ones before moving onto the deeper or more serious questions.
2. Share Your Own Answers: Don’t just interrogate your date. Reveal your own perspective to build mutual trust.
3. Stay Open-Minded: Remember Proust’s cautionary note: intelligence and social graces don’t necessarily reflect moral superiority. Listen without judgment.
4. Allow for Tangents: The best conversations wander. If you find a fascinating subtopic, explore it fully.
5. Observe Body Language: Notice how your date reacts. Are they enthusiastic about self-reflection, or do they seem hesitant? This can also be a valuable insight into their comfort with deeper topics.

Final Thoughts

Both Jeff Brown’s emphasis on sustained fascination and Proust’s examination of human nature remind us that true connection is more than a fleeting spark. It’s about curiosity, sincerity, humility—and a willingness to see another soul as it is, rather than as we want it to be. The Marcel Proust Questionnaire offers a fun yet profound way to reach that level of understanding.

So, whether you’re on your third date, celebrating an anniversary, or simply cultivating a deeper bond with a friend, consider weaving some of these questions into your conversation. You might be surprised at the revelations—and the unique intimacy—that follow.