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Dec
10
Written by:
adminsophia
12/10/2009 11:18 PM
The Push-Me, Pull-You Dance is a relationship dance that creates fear, distance and drama. There are three moves in this dance:.
The Abandonment Move
The Clinging Move
The Rejection Move
Once you know them, you can easily spot the obvious and subtle ways they play out. They are predictable.
I first identified this dance while working with couples who stimulated fear in each other using the threat of abandonment. Most of these couples did not consciously know they were doing this. All they knew is they were stuck in a painful situation. Pushing and pulling from one drama to the next.
When you use The Rejection Move, you push someone away. You are trying to get him to feel rejected with the underlying goal of having him cling to you more tightly.
When you use The Clinging Move, you hang on tight, trying to get connected. This one-down, needy position often gets the opposite result. Your partner moves further away. Your self esteem disappears as you do whatever you can to make him stay.
And when you do The Abandonment Move you are cutting off your connection with someone by going away from her. You are trying to create panic in your partner so she will change and do what you want them to do.
Remember, these motivations are usually completely unplanned and unconscious. But they are strong.
Rejection As A Compliment
Just because someone does this dance, doesn’t mean you have to respond. If someone does The Rejection Move, don’t take the bait and respond with another move. Instead, step back and identify the game. Remember, if someone doesn’t like you, it’s not a tragedy. In fact, it might be a compliment. I had one woman “reject” me because I didn’t like it when she would miss meetings we set up. I asked her to follow through on her commitments and she got mad at me and “rejected” me. I soon realized that it was not a good idea to count on her, as we had different definitions of commitment.
Rob realized rejection was a compliment, too:
“When I would hang out with my friends we’d always get stoned. Once I started getting my own business going, I knew using drugs was getting in the way of what I wanted to do. So I stopped. My friends wouldn’t stop teasing me. Finally they stopped inviting me over.”
It is better to be hated for what you are than
to be loved for what you are not.
-Andre Gide
Notice the real reason why someone rejects you. It might just be something you are proud of. Do you like the fact that you keep your commitments and want that from others? Are you proud of you and your new business? Sometimes your fear of rejection clouds the more important things.
By Jovanna P Casey
www.joancasey.com
Boundaries: Solutions for Life
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